I'm not bored, yes I am

Do you ever feel like you do things, you do things, you do things, and you're still the most boring person you know? I just spent 2 good hours on facebook looking at how exciting every one else's lives are. I mean, there's not even ONE photo of me doing any kind of water sport.  The only picture taken of me outside was at a wine tasting.  And we were forced to sit outside.  Thank god I like running or I'd be indoors all of my life.  I'd be dead of a vitamin D deficiency by now. I'm very thirsty by the way...

Two Thousand and Ten Sensations

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me... And I'm feeling good."

-Muse, "Feeling Good" from Origin of Symmetry, best rock album EVER

Yesterday at work, I was overcome by one of the stranger sensations of my lifetime.  Seriously, this beat the first time I was eaten out, which was so foreign and amazing that I shed tears of shock...

While walking through the dining room at my restaurant, I realized with much amazement that I'm truly happy.  And not just the "it's-almost-9pm-and-I-can-go-home-now" happy, but a deep feeling of content that was so foreign and amazing I wasn't sure how to receive the message.  At first, I felt a sense of loss for the melancholy I had held so close to my heart for the past 27 years.  Then I felt a quiver as that feeling of melancholy was replaced by a split second of nothingness, whereby I felt absolutely neutral.  (All this, imagine, as I'm walking from table 13 back to the kitchen...)  As I processed the neutral sensation running through my body, a question arose... How am I supposed to feel if I am not upset, pissed off, sad, manic, overjoyed, or just plain cheated?  Really, what IS this feeling?  That's exactly the moment when it struck me like Shawn Slater's nimble tongue: I have everything I want. 

Now, I know what you're thinking. One moment of clarity is not going to erase 27 years of shit splatters from riding the pity-party wagon.  Not at all.  And if all I really want is to work in a restaurant and share a flat with a couple of roommates and some mice, then I guess my idea of happiness might seem a little less than the American dream come true.  To each his own, however.

It took me 4 years, but in that time here's what I've accomplished that can't be put on a job application or used to buy a house:

I learned to play the piano.

I wrote a hundred songs, and I love each one of them.

I joined a band that I rock out with twice a week.

I got over my ex-boyfriend, no easy task considering that our 6 year stint spanned from ages 18-24, and that without his influence I would not have found music.

I became a vegan.

I freed myself from the bondage of co-dependence, and entered a hot relationship with myself.

I became a runner.

I accepted my life for what it is... MINE

So, interpret this how you will.  I think we are encouraged to practice false modesty because it is somehow against the social mores to admit that life truly is good.  Being a human is an intensely painful and unique experience, but that is why it's so amazing.  Every moment of the journey is worth celebrating, from the best orgasm of your life, to the moment you decide to come down from the ledge. 

Pain, pleasure, hunger, darkness, lust, joy, evil, wonder, puzzlement... the stuff of life IS life.  We can spend our time however we want.  I made the executive decision to practice happiness, and suddenly that's what I've got.  It's not luck that got me here but perseverance.

In closing, don't assume my new found contentment means the blog won't still be a sounding board for daily resentment and ranting.  Quite the oppposite in fact.  My baggage still holds a hot mess, but the suitcase is brand new, and it's got my name written all over it.

  

For a little extra joy, please watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7D2g5v-Sg