Formal Acceptance of My Mistakes and Promise of Repentance

Warning to the reader: The following post may contain material that is depressing, true, and normal.
I've made a lot of people sad and angry this past year, not least of all myself. I am awake at an insanely late or incredibly early hour (depending on what 4am means to you). Something is keeping me from sleep this evening, and I think the only way to feel better is to tell you the story.
For years I've been suffering the consequences of what I hope is not a mental illness, although that has yet to be diagnosed. In the past this did not affect my sleep. Most recently I have noticed that I wake up in the middle of the night filled with a deep anxiety to which there is no answer, save writing, reading, or music. Unfortunately, these are the same activities which occupy my daytime hours, so my life has begun to feel like one continuous cycle of escapism.
Most of my sleepless nights have a cause, be it too much drinking, too much food, or too much fun. Tonight it is caused by none of those, in fact I would say it could be the lack thereof that finds me so wide-eyed.
I was doing what I normally do on a thursday night, riding BART home from band practice, when the shit really hit the fan. I've been dating someone I really like, and lo and behold, I have managed to make this person feel so unimportant to me that he called the whole thing off. Apparently I've been absolutely tuned out and I took for granted one of the more interesting things happening in my life. I did this by making light of the other person entirely, and I did it unconsciously to boot.
I realized something tonight. I've been making a lot of jokes about things that aren't funny. I can always get a laugh, but I wonder at what price? It seems I've gone over the line this time, and when I look back over the last few years I wonder: why the insatiable need for the banal? I ended two great relationships to "find myself", only to realize that the person I was looking for is a complete idiot/douchebag/monster/bitch (your pick). In order to mask my fear and loathing of this self-discovery, I have hidden all my real feelings behind a wall of humor and cold, hard calculation. I have become so matter of fact about feelings that sometimes I no longer have any. This safety net only works until I'm alone, however, and then I'm lying awake all night wondering how I can escape myself.
No one said the road to self-discovery was paved with gold, but I was at least hoping to like some of what I found along the way. There's been an awfully weird pattern lately of me thinking I have everything under control, only to find that my reprehensible behavior has driven away another person I was hoping to keep near me.
I have always been an optimist and now is no different. Even when I feel my worst I can see that things will change, something good will happen tomorrow, life ebbs and flows, and for fucks sake, there's always coffee! I think the universe is trying to advise me at this point to practice kindness everyday. No more disrespect to people around me. Move forward with love for all things equally, including myself. They always say "kill them with kindness" but what about "save them with kindness?" If there is a way to be kind in this world, I am going to figure it out.

"If you don't have a point to make/Don't sweat it/You'll make a sharp one being so kind/(And I'd sure appreciate it)" -Fiona Apple