Sights to Unsee

I'm making a list of things I hope to never see again:
1. Porn of females with male genitalia
2. People blowing snot on the bus
3. Mice
4. Raccoons in the music studio
5. Young Rapscallions (McLovin's band... sorry McLovin)
6. Kids watching TV at the table in restaurants
7. Unconscious bikers on the sidewalk
8. The man who had anal with a horse/received anal from a horse? (thanks Emman/Elliot for this one)
9. Dogs pooping on the bus
10. Humans pooping in the planter in front of my old house

Oh yeah, this list was definitely inspired by an unfortunate and accidental viewing of (un)choice #1, which then reminded me of several other things I've seen and wished I hadn't. What have you seen that you wished you hadn't?  Think of it and leave it here, so you can be free of the taint of that image.  It will be safely kept here with the daily O if you would like come back and relive it!

Is truth beauty and beauty truth?

Truth can mean whatever you want it to mean.  It is a concept of relativity, meaning you can percieve any situation how you please, and create your own truth for that moment or situation.  It is up to the individual to use facts to make a rational truth assessment, however it is sooooo tempting to take opinions and speculations and make them truth.  If you have a really fanciful imagination like I do, you are likely to be living out several truth scenarios at the same time.  For example, sometimes I dream about things that seem like reality (ie conversations with people I know, in dream places that look like the real places I hang out), and even upon waking, I am still tempted to believe that these dreams are part of reality.  Like if I'm on bad terms with someone (like that ever happens, pshh), and I dream a good dream about them, I can suddenly feel as if we are not on such bad footing.  I might even be tempted to kiss and make up.  My toolbox is full of all kinds of mental tricks for altering the truth to fit my needs of the moment.  Today I might be confident, tomorrow depressed, the next day happy, the next night doubtful... all these changes in mood and faith seem to be related to my idea of what is true. 
So, I'm giving up on finding truth, and have decided to search for the only thing with meaning in this life: beauty. Some say they are the same thing, but I see it like this. Truth is a fluid state, subject to change based on feelings of the moment. Beauty IS those feelings of the moment.  When we see reality, the only part of it that can be trusted is the beauty.  The chaotic, disorganized, mysterious, relentless beauty that we call life.

In Italian, piano means soft and slow

Ahhhhhh, the weekend.  It was fun, and interesting, and as usual I had a lot of stuff to think about.  Last night was Edith's birthday (I love this girl) so we did some karaoke.  I am SO glad that no one I know goes to this bar because I can't sing karaoke worth a damn.  People would never take me seriously if they met me at a karaoke bar.  Not to mention that it requires absolute beligerence.
So I'm standing out front of the bar, 4-drinks-in-2-hours deep, talking to my good buddy Jesse Lee.  He's popping wheelies on my bicycle, which is hilarious to me, and we're shooting the shit having a blast.  Well, who should come swaggering past but my old teacher, M.Parsons.  I forgot Jesse was even there.  I still love this guy, in a person-to-person way, where my heart gets all goosebumped just looking at him.  Being sauced like I was, I think I hit on him (oops) and then confessed that I can't play the piano without thinking about him and that for awhile I was f-ed up over it.  ahhhhh truth serum.  It was a sad affair because I was having so much fun but went home feeling kind of sad and lonely. 
The question at this point is: why not show people how much you care?  It's really hard to do, but if we practiced it more, imagine all the love people could have in their lives.  Often times I am honest and tell people the truth.  Maybe it's the recession, but I just seem to get poor returns on that investment.  That's ok but I find myself wondering... is love too intense?  Is feeling a turn off? 

Love IS the answer, and I wouldn't change that if I could. 

Oh Beatles...

Formal Acceptance of My Mistakes and Promise of Repentance

Warning to the reader: The following post may contain material that is depressing, true, and normal.
I've made a lot of people sad and angry this past year, not least of all myself. I am awake at an insanely late or incredibly early hour (depending on what 4am means to you). Something is keeping me from sleep this evening, and I think the only way to feel better is to tell you the story.
For years I've been suffering the consequences of what I hope is not a mental illness, although that has yet to be diagnosed. In the past this did not affect my sleep. Most recently I have noticed that I wake up in the middle of the night filled with a deep anxiety to which there is no answer, save writing, reading, or music. Unfortunately, these are the same activities which occupy my daytime hours, so my life has begun to feel like one continuous cycle of escapism.
Most of my sleepless nights have a cause, be it too much drinking, too much food, or too much fun. Tonight it is caused by none of those, in fact I would say it could be the lack thereof that finds me so wide-eyed.
I was doing what I normally do on a thursday night, riding BART home from band practice, when the shit really hit the fan. I've been dating someone I really like, and lo and behold, I have managed to make this person feel so unimportant to me that he called the whole thing off. Apparently I've been absolutely tuned out and I took for granted one of the more interesting things happening in my life. I did this by making light of the other person entirely, and I did it unconsciously to boot.
I realized something tonight. I've been making a lot of jokes about things that aren't funny. I can always get a laugh, but I wonder at what price? It seems I've gone over the line this time, and when I look back over the last few years I wonder: why the insatiable need for the banal? I ended two great relationships to "find myself", only to realize that the person I was looking for is a complete idiot/douchebag/monster/bitch (your pick). In order to mask my fear and loathing of this self-discovery, I have hidden all my real feelings behind a wall of humor and cold, hard calculation. I have become so matter of fact about feelings that sometimes I no longer have any. This safety net only works until I'm alone, however, and then I'm lying awake all night wondering how I can escape myself.
No one said the road to self-discovery was paved with gold, but I was at least hoping to like some of what I found along the way. There's been an awfully weird pattern lately of me thinking I have everything under control, only to find that my reprehensible behavior has driven away another person I was hoping to keep near me.
I have always been an optimist and now is no different. Even when I feel my worst I can see that things will change, something good will happen tomorrow, life ebbs and flows, and for fucks sake, there's always coffee! I think the universe is trying to advise me at this point to practice kindness everyday. No more disrespect to people around me. Move forward with love for all things equally, including myself. They always say "kill them with kindness" but what about "save them with kindness?" If there is a way to be kind in this world, I am going to figure it out.

"If you don't have a point to make/Don't sweat it/You'll make a sharp one being so kind/(And I'd sure appreciate it)" -Fiona Apple

Seeing the glass half full...

The less I sleep, the more I can blog!